Ask Self Serve- Being Dominant in the Bedroom

Question: My boyfriend and I recently came to a sort of halt in our sexual relationship. He has been very open and wants me to be more aggressive and take charge in the bedroom. The problem is, I have no idea how. I get nervous, and worry he won’t like the things I do. I’ve expressed this concern and he assured me he will welcome any and all sexual advances… I have fantasies about things I want to do but I don’t know how to make them a reality. Please Help!

Answer: It can feel intimidating to try new things. Luckily you both might really enjoy exploring sexual energy and role play, and it sounds like you might find it to be a real turn on for yourself, too!

We carry books specifically about female sexual dominance, how to do it, where to start, and how to talk about it. “The Art of Sensual Female Dominance” and “The Mistress Manual” are two great books. We also carry erotica which could give you some ideas. Before you play, choose a safe word. A safe word is a prearranged and unambiguous signal to end any activity so you won’t have to second guess whether or not your partner is enjoying himself.

Try this: Put a blindfold on him. That takes the pressure off you and creates mystery and vulnerability for him. If you do something silly and you feel embarrassed, such as tripping in your heels, you’ll know he didn’t see and you remain sexy, dominant and aggressive. Also, consider some restraints. We carry an affordable, adjustable, super soft set called BONDAids and many more. Sign up for our BDSM 101 class on October 15th to learn how to play with these dynamics and supplies.

It sounds like your partner is open to exploring, now all you have to do is learn, practice and experiment with what you both enjoy. Remember it’s a-ok if you experiment with something, and decide it’s not your favorite activity. Just make sure to re-cap what you both enjoyed the most and want to change next time. And don’t forget to breathe and have fun with this ‘research!’

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Questions are answered by Self Serve Staff and edited by Hunter Riley.

Always seek the advice of a qualified healthcare provider for any medical condition.