Ask Self Serve – Having a threesome
Question: My girlfriend and I want to have a threesome, but don’t know where to start.
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Answer: Threesomes are a very common fantasy and can help couples feel connected to each other while enjoying the thrill of a new sex partner. Threesomes can also end with someone crying in a corner because sex and relationships are complicated and it’s rarely ‘just’ sex. This Pandora’s Box of sexual delight is sometimes opened without careful consideration for everyone’s needs. Preparation and negotiation are a must if you want everyone to feel satisfied, safe, and heard.
Self Serve has two classes in April with world-renowned sex educator Reid Mihalko. His class on April 17th is Negotiating Successful Threesomes. We recommend signing up, online or by phone, because threesomes are complicated and you can bring your questions.
The Ethical Slut, our most popular book, is about negotiating possibilities and caring for yourself and others in a world that expects monogamy. Sharing a copy with partners can help establish a common language around what’s hot and what’s not.
There are no set threesome rules. Everybody involved gets to decide who’s invited and how each person interacts with the other two partners. As with most sex, each partner should make and share a list of emotional needs, sexual desires, and safer sex expectations. For example, if you and your girlfriend want to keep kissing between you two, that’s fine, just let the third partner know BEFORE you get naked. If the guest star wants a follow-up phone call, it’s good to
know ahead of time.
Finding the right partner is important, and depends on what you and your partner decide. Some people go with a friend, others prefer someone they won’t interact with later. Whomever you choose, make sure to treat them as you would any other sexual partner – with respect and attention to their needs and desires.
Email your questions to askselfserve@gmail.com.
Questions are answered by Self Serve Staff and edited by Hunter Riley.
Always seek the advice of a qualified healthcare provider for any medical condition.
