Coming out as trans to a new partner
This week we’re teaching a workshop on Sex Tips for Trans Folks & their Partners. A topic that always gets interesting and challenging is whether or not to tell a new date that you’re transgender. If you want to disclose that you’re trans to a new partner, when is the best time? After a little survey on the interwebs, here is what folks have to share.
From the Center on Halsted in Chicago:
I am Transgender. Should I tell my date?And if so, when?
There is no absolute right or wrong answer to these questions. Such a decision is very personal. Above all else,remember it is your right to choose if or when to discuss your gender identity, your genitals, or any other part of your body. If someone insults or attacks you because of their expectations about your body,that is NEVER YOUR FAULT.
Do I have to disclose the fact that I am trans to my partner?
NO. Plenty of [cisgender] people do not have discussions about their gender or their bodies prior to having sex. However, while you do not owe it to anybody to talk about your genitals prior to a sexual encounter, it may be safer to do so. It may also be less awkward or uncomfortable in general. So it may be ideal to have a conversation about the type of sex you would like to have beforehand. If this is simply not your style or not an option, that is okay. In terms of safety, there are advantages and disadvantages to disclosing in various situations. Your decision may be different depending on the person you are talking with and how sensitive or aware they seem.
Read more about ways to come out as transgender to a date…
Check out this awesome safer sex guide BRAZEN for trans women & partners from The 519 Church Street Community Centre in Toronto. What they write about disclosing you’re trans…
Trust your instincts! If you think potential partners will be cool, tell them. If you think they might be violent, put on your running shoes and book it! Here are some things to ask yourself when deciding if it’s the right time to disclose, even if you think your potential partner will be cool:
- Can you easily leave where you are?
- Are you in a place where you feel comfortable and safe, such as a public place?
- Does anyone know where you are and who you’re with?
It can be helpful to let someone you trust know that you’re planning to disclose to someone before you do, so that if anything goes wrong you’ve got someone you can turn to or who can help find you.
This guide even includes smart advice about common resistance to safer sex choices:
“But if you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do that!”
The truth is, if someone loves you, they would want to protect your health. So, if they really love you, they will use a condom, dental dam or glove. Plus, lots of folks enjoy using barriers like condoms and dental dams, because they find it hot or they feel more relaxed because they don’t have to worry about risk, so your partner should hopefully respect that!
No matter what their reason is, your health is worth more than sex or money! If a sex partner refuses to use condoms, try suggesting a hand job instead of a blow job or anal/vaginal/frontal sex. If they still refuse, end the session, and if they are a client give them back some or all of their money, make up an excuse for leaving and get out of there!
The folks at 519 also created a guide just for trans men who have sex with other men called Primed. There are even hot pictures in this back pocket guide, and you can download a copy for free.
Our friends at Trannywood Pictures in San Francisco have some great advice about safer sex and disclosing to partners…
Some starting points:
- “I’ve got girl parts, but I fuck like a man”
- “I’m not your average boy.”
- “Ever heard of an FTM/trannyboy/etc?”
- “My bits are a little different than most guys.”
- “I was diagnosed female at birth, but obviously, the doctors were wrong”
The sexy angle and a sense of humor can break the ice. Remember it’s always up to you how and when to disclose that you’re transgender.
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